Don't Kick The Baby!
by AllYourBaseAreBelongToKyle
Summary: When Ike was abducted by the visitors, he learned something he shouldn't have. Now another alien race seeks that knowledge, and they will stop at nothing to get it.
1. Chapter 1

**Authors Notes: I really enjoyed Margaritaville, but I just couldn't imagine Kyle being in debt for the rest of his life, so I decided I'd write something about it to help ease the pain that some of us Kyle fans feel right now. **

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Kyle lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling, a single question running through his mind.

Had he made the right choice?

He had been so sure at the time, but now…

Tears formed in his eyes and he pounded his fist against the bed in anger. "It's not fair!" he cried. "I went almost $500,000 in debt for everyone in this town, and what did they do? They forgot all about it!"

"Why God?" he asked, "is this some kind of cruel joke? Do you find this funny? WHAT IS YOUR LOGIC!?"

"Mommy's not going to be happy if she hears you talking like that."

Kyle sat up, startled. "Jesus Ike, you startled me."

The young Canadian stood in Kyle's doorway, wearing his suit and holding a large briefcase. He took a moment to straighten out his tie before entering.

"Ike, why do you wear that thing to kindergarten?"

"Why do you wear that hat?"

Kyle was momentarily caught off guard, he hadn't been expecting a retort like that.

"Besides," Ike continued, "I wasn't at school today."

"You weren't?" Kyle was shocked, he hadn't even noticed his little brother wasn't in school that day. Come to think of it, this was the first he had seen of Ike all day. "Shit!" swore Kyle under his breath. "My little brother goes missing and I didn't even realize it."

"Don't be so hard on yourself," said Ike as he put down the briefcase. "Besides, you've been under a lot of stress lately."

"Tell me about it."

"Don't worry about it Kyle."

"What do you mean, don't worry about it? I'm almost half a million dollars in debt and…"

"Not anymore Kyle."

"What?"

Ike smiled and opened the briefcase. Kyle felt his jaw drop. The briefcase was full of money. Kyle opened his mouth to ask a question, but no words came out.

"Wall Street." said Ike triumphantly, knowing what Kyle was trying to say.

Finally Kyle managed to piece together a coherent sentence. "Ike…are you saying that you went to Wall Street and made all this money…for me?"

"Well, this is yours," said Ike closing the briefcase and handing it to Kyle, "I put all mine in a Swiss bank."

Kyle froze, completely stunned. "Well I'm off to finger paint at Filmore's house, bye!"

Ike hopped out the door, closing it behind him, leaving Kyle alone in his room with $500,000 and a dumb expression on his face.

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**There, I feel so much better now that Kyle is out of debt! I realize that this was really short and not very good, but hopefully things will pick up in chapter 2. I'll try to have it up by next week.**


	2. Chapter 2

"OK, here's one, who's Jewish, poor, and gay?"

"That's not funny Cartman," replied Stan angrily, "and Kyle isn't gay!"

"Oh, sure," Cartman sneered, and then pointed down the street.

"Hey look Stan, here comes your faggy Jewish friend now!"

Kyle walked quickly to the bus stop and took his usual place next to Stan.

"Hey Stan," he said.

"Hey Kyle."

"Hey Jew Fag."

"Up yours fatass."

"Don't call me fat you fucking Jew rat!"

"Don't oppress me cocksucker!"

Stan sighed, it was going to be another long day.

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Stan looked at the clock, praying for class to let out. He didn't think he could last much longer. "I've just got to wait until after school," he thought, "then I won't get detention."

"OK students," said Mr. Garrison, "now before I let you go lets review what we learned today."

"You know what I learned Mr. Garrison?" shouted Cartman, "Kyle is in debt and he's a Jewish rat!"

Stan snapped, he had had it with Cartman.

"Goddammit Cartman you son of a bitch!" cried Stan, leaping out of his chair, "I've had it with you!"

Before anyone could react Cartman and Stan were rolling on the floor, beating the crap out of each other.

"STAN DON"T!" cried Kyle, but his cries fell upon deaf ears.

"You have done nothing but abuse Kyle all goddamn day!" cried Stan landing a solid blow directly on Cartmans nose. "I've had it with your bullshit!"

"Get off of me Stan you ass wipe!" cried Cartman, who received another blow to his nose in response.

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"OK students, welcome to detention, M'kay," said Mr. Mackey. "Now I expect each of you to use this time to study and think about what you did wrong today, M'kay."

"What did I do wrong," thought Stan to himself, "the fatass deserved what he got."

About five minutes into detention, the door opened. Stan looked up and saw that Kyle had just entered the room.

"Excuse me Kyle, but last time I checked you didn't have detention, M'kay."

"I know Mr. Mackey, but I was hoping I could join you."

"Well, I suppose, just don't cause any trouble, M'kay."

'Thanks Mr. Mackey," said Kyle as he took a seat next to Stan.

"Hi dude," said Stan with a hint of embarrassment.

"Hey Stan," replied Kyle, "you know I appreciate what you did back there."

Stan smiled, "thanks dude."

"But honestly Stan, why did you do it?"

"He's been making fun of you all day," answered Stan, "and I was sick of it. I guess I just lost my cool. I mean, you went into debt for this whole town. That's not something Cartman should be making fun of. It's just…rude."

"Yes, it is rude but…" Kyle lowered his voice to a whisper, "don't let it bother you, the debt's taken care of, come over to my house after detention and I'll tell you all about it."

Stan nodded.

"Now then," said Kyle, "lets see how much of this homework we can get done."

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Cartman sat hidden in the bushes, a pair of binoculars pressed to his eyes. He had seen everything that had transpired between Stan and Kyle, and although he hadn't heard any of it, their actions told Cartman everything he needed to know.

"Yes Kahl," he told himself, "show Stan why you weren't upset by my teasing, show him why you don't care about your debt."

Cartman grinned evilly.

Everything was proceeding as planned.


	3. Chapter 3

"Dude, I'm glad that's over with," said Stan as he and Kyle out of South Park Elementary.

"Look on the bright side, at least you got your homework done, and you gave Cartman a beating he won't soon forget," said Kyle in response.

"The fat fucker deserved it, teasing you the way he did."

"I don't know Stan, I think you went a little easy on him."

Both Stan and Kyle laughed.

Stan glanced down at his watch.

"Hey Kyle, we need to hurry, Terrance and Phillip is almost on!"

Kyle didn't respond.

"Kyle…?"

Kyle stood staring off in the direction of the school playground.

"Kyle what the fuck?" asked Stan.

"Don't you see?" asked Kyle.

"What?" asked Stan as he tried to see what it was that had caught Kyle's attention. There was nothing out of the ordinary as far as he could tell. In fact there was nothing going on in the playground at all. Oh sure, Cartman was trying to hide himself behind the slide, no doubt stalking them again, that was nothing new, and Bebe Stevens was playing on the swing set.

"Kyle…what?"

"Her," replied Kyle.

"Who, Bebe?"

Kyle didn't bother answering.

Stan was dumbfounded for a moment, but quickly recovered.

"Dude, have you told her?"

Kyle looked down at the ground, "not yet, I don't know how to approach her."

"Just tell her."

"I…I can't," Kyle stammered, remembering the last time he had tried telling a girl he had feelings for her.

Stan knew what Kyle was thinking, and put his arm around his best friends shoulder.

"Dude, Bebe isn't Rebecca, she isn't going to become a total slut and begin making out with all the guys in school."

"I wasn't worried about that, it's just that after what happened with that silly list the girls made…" Kyle trailed off.

"It's OK dude, I'll talk to Wendy, she can give Bebe the hint that you like her."

"Thanks dude, I appreciate it."

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"Oh shit," Cartman said to himself as Kyle turned and stared in the direction of the playground. Cartman quickly took cover behind the slide. "It's OK," he told himself, "Kahl didn't have time to see me." Cartman took a quick glance from around the slide and saw Kyle and Stan talking. "Goddammit!" he hissed. No doubt the Jew was telling Stan that he had seen Cartman following them. "Fuck fuck fuck!" Cartman took another glance at the pair and saw Stan with his arm around Kyle. "Damn, now that fag Stan is no doubt comforting his gay lover boy Jew rat friend, telling him that his Jew gold is safe." Suddenly Stan and Kyle began walking off and Cartman leapt out from behind the slide. "Damn it all to Hell!" he said out loud as he pulled out his cell phone. Kyle had seen him, and now they would be on the lookout for him. Time for plan B. Cartman quickly dialed a number into the phone.

"Hello?" said a voice on the other end.

"Butters," Cartman answered, " it's me. Look, I need your help with something."

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Ike was watching the News Hour when Kyle and Stan walked in. "Kyle!" he shouted excitedly, leaping from the sofa and giving Kyle a hug. "Where have you been all day?"

"Detention," replied Kyle.

"You got in trouble."

"No, Stan did, for beating the shit out of Cartman when he teased me about the debt."

Ike couldn't help but grin. "Did you tell anyone?"

"No, and I'm not going to tell anyone…except Stan." Kyle turned to face Stan and gave him a hard look. "That is of course assuming you promise never to tell anyone else."

Stan nodded.

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Cartman and Butters were hiding behind the bushes in front of Kyle's house, waiting. Any second now, Cartman was sure of it.

"Hey…ah…Eric?"

"Yes Butters, what is it?" answered Cartman irritably.

"Ahh, just what are we doing again?"

"Goddammit Butters, how many fucking times to I have to tell you? I teased Kyle about his debt to piss Stan off. Now Kahl can't stand seeing his gay lover boy pissed off, so Kahl is going to get his Jew gold from his Jew cave to pay off his debt so I can't tease him about it anymore."

Butters spoke up at this point. "Hey Eric…what makes you so sure that Kyle has a cave filled with gold?"

"Goddammit Butters, all Jews have Jew caves filled with Jew gold."

"Oh, I was just checking. Now what am I supposed to do again?"

Cartman sighed, Butters could be so retarded at times.

"All you have to do is follow Kahl to his Jew cave once he goes to get his Jew gold."

"Why don't you just follow him, if I get spotted my parents will ground me."

"Goddammit Butters, what's more important here? You getting grounded, or three percent of Kah's Jew gold?"

"That's another thing, why do I only get three percent?"

"Because stupid, I'm the one doing all the hard work around here, all you have to do is follow Kahl to his Jew cave, then use the radio and tell me where it is."

"Well…OK I guess, although that doesn't answer my first question?"

'Because they spotted me earlier, so if they see me following them, they will be all like, oh look, there's Cartman following us to the Jew cave. We should go home. But if they catch you Butters, they will just be like, oh look, there's Butters. And you can just be like, oh hi fellas, I was just playing." An evil grin formed on Cartman's face. "They would never realize that you were following them, until it's too late. Then Kahl's Jew gold will be mine!"

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"Dude, Cartman and Buttes are outside," said Stan as he looked outside the window.

"Ya, I saw Cartman following us earlier, he probably thinks I'm going to take you to my hidden gold stash or something."

"He just never gives up with that Jew cave shit."

"Ya, if anyone has a Jew cave, it's Ike, although his cave just happens to be a Swiss bank account."

Stan grinned. "I still can't believe that you had me come out here just so you could tell me that your little brother made millions in the stock market."

"I just didn't think telling you in school was the best idea, someone might have heard, and I don't think I'd be doing my brother a favor by letting the whole school know he was a millionaire."

"Billionaire," corrected Ike, "I went online during recess and made another few hundred million online."

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Cartman was growing impatient, why wasn't Kyle leaving for his Jew cave?

"Say Eric, what's that?" asked Butters pointing up to the sky.

'Shut up Butters."

"But Eric, there's something coming down from the sky."

"Butters, if you don't shut up I am seriously going to kill you."

Cartman turned his back to Kyle's house, trying to figure out why Kyle hadn't gone to his Jew cave yet, so he didn't notice when an alien spaceship came down and hovered over Kyle's house.

"Uhhhhh….Eric, I think you should look at this."

Cartman turned around. 'That's it Butters I am going to fucking…oh my god."

Both Cartman and Butters stared at the alien space ship, which now hovered about ten feet above Kyle's house. Suddenly, a group of three aliens appeared directly next to the house.

"Oh shit," cried Eric, "those aliens want Kahl's Jew gold too."

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Kyle, Stan, and Ike were laughing at a joke Kyle had just made about Cartman when the doorbell rang.

"Now who could that be?" asked Kyle as he opened the door.

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Cartman and Butters watched in horror as one of the aliens grabbed Kyle, who was screaming hysterically. The other two dashed through the open door. Cartman couldn't see what happened inside Kyle's house, but a few seconds after they had entered, the aliens came back out. One carried Ike, who was kicking like crazy, trying to free himself from the aliens iron grip. The other alien carried an unconscious Stan." The three aliens and their prisoners suddenly transported back up onto the alien ship, and it left as quickly as it had come.

"YOU DIRTY ALIEN SONS OF BITCHES! YOU CAN'T HAVE HIS JEW GOLD, DO YOU HEAR ME! THAT'S MY JEW GOLD! GODDAMN HIPPIES!" shouted Cartman as he shook his fist up at the alien ship, which was now just a tiny speck of light in the sky.

A few minutes passed before Cartman spoke again. "Well Butters, we can't just sit here while the aliens interrogate Kahl about the location of his Jew cave."

"What are we supposed to do Eric?"

"That's easy, we just need to find Kahl's Jew cave before the aliens force him to reveal it's location."

"How long do you think that will be?"

"Well, Kyle isn't the strongest of people, so it's likely he'll crack fairly quickly. Quick, grab the metal detector and…"

Suddenly Cartman was interrupted by the arrival of Butters' parents.

"Butters, just what do you think your doing out here! Your supposed to be at home studying!" cried Butters' father.

"Uh…well…I'm really sorry and all…" said Butters nervously.

"Well sorry isn't going to cut it this time mister, you're grounded!"

"Oh, hamburgers."


	4. Chapter 4

**Authors Note: Sorry it took so long to update. I had a really hard time writing this chapter. I've changed the rating on this story from M to T, as it's not as violent as I originally anticipated it to be. Character 2 has been changed from Ike to Stan, as the story is focusing more on Kyle and Stan than Kyle and Ike. Because of this change, I decided to swap genre 2 from family to general.**

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Kyle sat on the cold metal floor of the alien brig, cradling Stan's head in his lap.

"Come on Stan, wake up," he whispered into his best friends ear.

Ike, who was pacing impatiently in the cell, sighed.

"Kyle you've been trying that for the past five hours, it's obviously not helping."

Kyle glared at his brother, and opened his mouth to snap something back at him, but stopped himself.

"The last thing I need to do right now is have a fight with my baby brother," Kyle thought to himself.

Ike resumed his pacing and Kyle turned his attention back to the unconscious Stan. As Kyle looked into Stan's face he could feel tears forming in his eyes. Kyle angrily wiped them away, refusing to cry in front of Ike.

"Dammit Stan, get up!" Kyle screamed silently in his mind.

As if in response, Stan slowly opened his eyes.

"Stan!" cried Kyle.

"…Ky…Kyle?" whispered Stan.

'Yes Stan, it's me."

Stan sat up and surveyed his surroundings, which consisted of a small, unfurnished, metal cell, with a force field blocking the exit.

"Are we…on an alien…"

"Yes," replied Ike not waiting for Stan to finish asking his question, "we are on an alien spaceship."

Stan whimpered and leaned back into Kyle's arms.

It suddenly occurred to Kyle that Ike was taking the entire situation rather well, at least much better than a normal three year old would.

"Ike…"

Ike turned and stared at his brother.

"Yes, it's my fault, if it wasn't for my curiosity none of us would be here right now."

Stan and Kyle both stared at Ike, waiting for him to say more.

"You two remember when I was abducted at the beginning of last year, right?"

Both Stan and Kyle nodded.

"Well, when I was up on the visitor spaceship I managed to hack into their computer system while you were distracting them all with Cartman and that antenna thing in his ass. I discovered they're fighting a war against another alien species. I call this other species the evil visitors. While I was on the computer I also came across plans for a visitor offensive against the evil visitors."

Stan and Kyle both sat in stunned silence.

"Anyway, I assume that the evil visitors somehow discovered that know that I know the battle plan, and that's why they abducted us, so they can learn the plan and make preparations to stop it."

"That's exactly it," said an evil, menacing voice.

Both Stan and Kyle jumped with surprise, Ike simply turned his attention to the force field where two evil visitors stood. They were similar to the normal visitors, except instead of grey, they're skin was a greenish yellow, and they had two devil horns on his head. The force field deactivated and one of the evil visitors stepped inside, brandishing a syringe filled with a blue liquid.

"You," the evil visitor said menacingly, pointing a long finger at Ike, "you will accompany us to the briefing room."

"Ike, get behind me!" cried Kyle, standing up and leaping between the evil visitor and his little brother.

"I'm warning you, stay away from my little brother!" cried Kyle.

Without warning the evil visitor grabbed Kyle's arm and injected the blue liquid into his body, causing Kyle to scream in pain and collapse to the floor.

"Kyle!" Ike screamed.

"Now there little boy," said the evil visitor, "you're coming with me!"

"I won't help you!" Ike replied defiantly.

"Oh, I think you will. You see, we just injected your foolish brother here with a slow acting poison, which will slowly and painfully kill him over a period of two days."

Stan whimpered in horror.

'However, the process can be reversed with a simple antidote, which we'll administer, should you cooperate with us."

"Ike…don't do…it," whispered Kyle painfully. The room was spinning, and he could feel himself fading. He struggled to form one last sentence. "Don't …help them…"

Then everything went black.

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Peaceful…everything was so peaceful. The sun was shining in the blue, cloudless sky, and all around him lay a field of colorful flowers. Kyle sighed happily and leaned back in a patch of green grass, laying his arm across his eyes to shield them from the suns rays. He heard someone approach and lay down beside him. He turned his head and opened his eyes, and found himself face to face with Bebe Stevens, who smiled and rolled on top of him.

"Bebe?" he whispered.

Bebe replied by placing her lips on Kyle's and sticking her tongue in his mouth. Kyle could feel her warm tongue exploring his mouth, and he pulled her body closer towards his.

Suddenly Bebe's tongue grew cold, and he felt a sharp pain every time it made contact with the inside of his mouth. His eyes opened with surprise, and he pushed Bebe away from him.

"What the Hell…?"

Suddenly Bebe was gone, and he felt a piercing sensation in his back. He looked down to discover he was laying on a bed of rusty metal nails. He yelped with surprise. Suddenly he felt hot, as if someone had placed him in an oven. He screamed and started running through the field of flowers, which began nibbling on his legs with thousands of razor sharp teeth.

"Kyle…"

He glanced at the sun, which had turned bright red. Suddenly his eyesight was gone, and he felt a thick goo running down his face. He screamed, his eyes had melted.

"Kyle…"

Suddenly he felt himself falling face first into the ground. The flowers scrambled over his limp form, biting every inch of his body.

"KYLE!"

Kyle screamed, and suddenly found himself on the floor of the alien cell, his head in Stan's lap. He was breathing erratically and heavily, and he could feel his heart racing inside his chest.

"Don't worry Kyle," he could hear Stan say, "you were having a nightmare."

The dream had passed, but the pain and the heat hadn't.

"Stan…it hurts."

"I know, just try to relax."

"That's…easy for you…to say. Where's…Ike?"

"They took him, shortly after you passed out. I tried to stop them but…"

Stan trailed off.

Kyle could feel tears forming, stinging his already burning eyes.

"It's…all right. There was…nothing you could…have done."

Kyle felt another wave of dizziness hit him, and he slipped into unconsciousness.

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Ike sat at a computer in the evil visitor briefing room, surrounded by evil visitors who had their laser rifles trained on his small body.

"Now," said a fourth evil visitor putting a strange hat covered in lights on Ike's head, "use the computer to draw up the visitor battle plan."

"And if I refuse?"

"Your brother dies. And no tricks kid, this hat can read your thought patterns, and it lets us know if your lying. Now, let's get started."


End file.
